Author Archives: Maggie

I haven’t posted since the end of February – what happened to March and April? I’m just about ready to begin round 8 of chemo…and this is beginning to look as if this is my life…for now.

Rounds 4 and 5 were hard as my immune system crashed both times. I never had to be hospitalized, for which I am grateful. Since earlier rounds had done their job in knocking the cancer back, the doctor reduced the dosage to 10 mmg (from 25) to see if we could just hold it low without crashing my blood counts. And so far it has worked.

An added benefit is that I feel better without as much chemo in my system. The shakes are not as severe, my energy is better and I’m driving again! We were able to travel to Illinois and spend time with Roger’s family and supporting churches. We helped Jessica move houses (still in Ft. Lauderdale area). I did a “Relay for Life” with family (picture) and am volunteering again at Cru. Life seems to be getting back to a “new normal.”

I know it’s just a season but it feels good. If things remain the same, there won’t be as many urgent posts. In fact, I’ve thought about starting a new blog of a more spiritual nature and leave this one to focus mainly on health. Let me know what you think…

What’s your “new normal?” (please feel free to leave comments)

I’m back in the chemo regime after recovering from the fever. Being off of it for two weeks, I’m a little more aware of side-effects which includes shakiness. At the same time, I’m grateful that I can continue with daily activities. In fact, I was able to go on a short cruise last weekend with two of my daughters, an opportunity to make memories together. It was delightful.

One of my weekly activities is a group that meets on Fridays based on the book, To Be Told, by Dan Allender. It’s an encouragement to write our “stories” and to read them to the group each week. It’s as if God is writing a story through us and we listen to what he is saying.

This week we wrote on “Shalom Shattered.” There are times of relative peace in our lives when something abruptly shatters that peace. There were several things I thought about writing on, but the obvious one seemed to be cancer. But as I was writing, I realized cancer didn’t “shatter” my life in the way we usually think. Instead, “I remembered a day in our house in the mountains in Crestline, CA, when a tempered glass door shattered. There was the “boom” of glass exploding, but all the glass stayed in the frame, with spider webs of brokenness running through it. It was frightening, and yet, beautiful as the light filtered through the brokenness. I feel as if I have lived life through the brokenness of the fear of cancer, and then cancer, in a similar way. Instead of focusing on the tragedy that will in some way, in all of us, enter our lives, I’ve taken a step back to look at it in it’s beauty.”

We all have had things that have shattered our peace, or our hope of peace. Sometimes it is a mess of glass on the floor that cuts us and leaves us bleeding, and for those for which it is true, my heart goes out to you. But sometimes, I think I have made things worse, taking glass and cutting myself rather than stepping back into peace. Whatever has shattered your peace, I challenge you to embrace it as you choose your response.

If you are interested in reading my story of “Shalom Shattered”, let me know in the comments and I’ll be glad to email it to you. What has shattered your “Shalom?”

I’ve always assumed when I don’t hear from someone that “no news is good news” meaning that they are healthy and busy and haven’t had time to write. At least, I wanted that to be the grace given to me when I didn’t write.

But it’s been weeks since I posted. Most of the time was the “good news” of being happy and busy, but last week..

No news was bad news.

I had a fever that just would not leave. Just a fever,. No other symptoms. We took tests, cultures and X-rays. Finally they started me on a general antibiotic that seems to kicking it out.

But I learned several things:

1.  I need a back up plan to post when I am sick. I’m sure I could have used some extra thoughts and prayers last week, but was just to “out of it.”  I’m not sure what the plan would be, but I need to figure it out.
2. Remembering numbers when I’m sick doesn’t work, especially when Roger says, “What was your fever last time?” I don’t have a clue! But we started this system of me texting him every time I took my temperature. That gave me a record as well as let him know how high it was and if he should come home from work.
3. I’m not always nice when I’m sick. I guess I get on survival mode. My head hurts and I just want to be left alone (but not too much alone!). I’m not easy to figure out and I appreciate the grace Roger and others give me. But I also learned that being sick is not an excuse to not be nice, and I need to communicate with others what I am feeling and want before I got irritated.

So…if you don’t hear from me, don’t assume everything is well. Prod us a little to communicate, good or bad. And pray I figure out the communication piece.

Oh, and the chemo. It’s on hold until the fever is gone, probably at the end of the week. Good news is that M-proteins were down again to .3!

I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks, which is a good thing. I enjoyed my week of rest which included tests and doctor’s appointments. The number that had gone down from 1.2 to .5 remained at .5 after this last round. I was disappointed but the doctor assured me that it does plateau and if that is the case, we will go on a lower dose of the chemo after this round. But for now, I’m on the full dose. What I was most happy about is that he did not put me back on the drug that has so many side effects.

It’s a good thing, also, because I have been “out and about.” Even though my immune system is compromised, I’ve figured out ways to be in public and minimize risk. I’ve felt good and have been with friends and family. I even went on a ministry trip with Roger to visit one of his resource ministries (International School Project).

Balance is the key. I rested in the afternoons. I was really proud of myself when, on the last day, I found myself really tired in the morning thinking, “If I were at home right now and felt this way, what would I do?” I knew I would rest, so I excused myself from the meeting and did just that. Yeah for me!

One of the most fun parts of the conference was when I surprised the ladies with scarves I had knitted last winter while laid up with the broken leg. I had made over 40 of them and had given them to everyone I knew here in Orlando, so I took what was left to the conference. It was so much fun to see them “oh and awe” over the colors as they picked their favorite. There is certainly joy in giving.

I think balance will be a theme for the next few weeks. There are activities and people who have been waiting for me to feel better. My inclination is to run to them before the energy gives out. But if I balance my energy, I might not run out so quickly. Pray with me towards that end.

This is my week of “rest” when I don’t take drugs. I really don’t feel any different, but those who develop the drug must know that too much of it can be a bad thing.

I can’t help but think of life. We do need to pace ourselves. To much of anything can be a bad thing, including activity. It’s good to take a step back, remove yourself from routine, and feel a different pace.

I had lunch yesterday with someone who is taking a sabbatical from their job. It took them several days to just break the routine of checking (and responding) to emails. But the break is good, and she’s beginning to step back and look at her life differently. The break is giving her time to exercise and eat better, basics of “rest.”

A “Sabbath” is foundational in scripture. God modeled it in creation, not that he was tired, but that the world needed rest. There are times of growth and then there are times to be outwardly dormant while inwardly gaining strength.

So that’s my prayer for this week, that I would be inwardly gaining strength to fight the cancer. Chemo drugs kill good as well as bad cells. This is an opportunity for the good ones to come back before the bad ones gain on them.

And it’s my prayer for you this week also, that you would take some time to “rest” and inwardly gain strength. We never know what is around the corner…

How can I be praying for you? (comments)

When is not blogging a good thing? When you are feeling so good that you are too busy to blog!

It’s been a really full holiday season. Taking me off the one drug could not have come at a better time. I felt as if I was fully conscious when I was with others and able to interact, leaving all of us with good memories (in contrast to how “out of it” I was at Thanksgiving). I love my kids and grandkids and it was great to be with them, hear their laughter and play games at night. I still went to bed early and took some naps, but what was in-between was much more satisfying.

Next week is more medical tests, to make sure that coming off that one drug did not hurt the treatment for the cancer. If so, I’ll have to go back on it. I’ve been feeling so good, I’ve thought about volunteering again at Cru. Pray that I will have wisdom as we go into the month and a more normal schedule, and that I will know what to give my time and energy towards. I hate making commitments and then needing to cancel them.

I hope those who read this have had a great holiday season. I heard a line from a song, “Live like you are going to die” and could help but think how appropriate it is for all of us. I know there are things we cannot change, the result of the choices of others, but for ourselves, it’s a great way to think and make choices.

How can I be praying for you this coming year? (add your comments)

(picture is with my daughter Jessica who lives in Ft. Lauderdale at a rustic pancake house Christmas Eve morning)

Yesterday was my oncologist visit. I’ve been somewhat confused lately — maybe from chemo, Christmas, and information overload!

The transplant doctor has mentioned to us going on a lower dose of the chemo, but when we talked to the oncology office, they said they didn’t have it in the notes from center and prescribed the same dose again. I was discouraged.

So I have to admit, I was “loaded for bear” when I went to the oncologist. I felt as if I was on 2 tracks – one blasting the cancer to prep for a transplant (oncologist) and one taking our time to get the most out of the last transplant (transplant doctor).

It was amazing how calming he was. He had the perfect way of putting the 2 plans together and charting the way forward. He did stay with the same dose of chemo but took me off the steroid which should diminish the side effects. He explained that blasting the cancer will get us to a point where we can do maintenance and get the most out of the transplant.

It reminded me how some things in scripture feel opposing —  like law and grace, predestination and free will, faith and works. We don’t understand it for now, but at some point, a Savior will explain it to us and it will make perfect sense. In the meantime, we trust him with our lives, accepting the dosage of whatever it is that He gives us.

So, for me, that’s 25mg Revilmid daily for 3 more weeks.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I’d love to pray for you also, so feel free to respond in “comments.” 

Only a few more days until my week of “rest” is coming up, and I can’t wait! The farther I get into this, the more it affects me.

The problem is, others can’t tell it. I look “normal.” When I’m out an about, I act normal. Others can’t crawl into my body and feel what I am feeling.

I told a friend today that sometimes I wake up feeling like there are millions of bugs scrambling around inside my body. There are flashes of light when my eyes are closed. My legs are weak and I walk with an extra bobble, not sure if they are going to hold me up. But I still get myself up in the morning and make-up does wonders.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a co-worker also taking chemo. Others in her office did not realize how much the chemo was affecting her. She puts on her make-up and her courage and faces each day with a positive spirit.

Let me just say that I doubt that there is anyone taking chemo that it doesn’t affect them (although I don’t know that for a scientific fact). Sometimes we want to talk about it and sometimes we don’t. But what we do know is that whatever it is we are experiencing, it is far from normal.

Normal for me is meeting friends at Starbucks, tackling work projects with enthusiasm, going to three stores to find the best sale and working in the yard. Life is far from normal.

A friend made the comment that grief is similar. You look normal but people cannot see how torn up, battered, you are inside. I talked with another friend yesterday who had moved back to the states from overseas — she looks “normal” but feels like a foreigner.

I guess where I am headed is that we can’t make assumptions about people even if they look “normal.” In fact, I wonder if “normal” people are the minority. We need to look deeper, talk deeper, even at this busy time of year. People want to be known for who they are, not what they look like. At least, I do.

What is inside of you that makes you not “normal?” How can I be praying for you?