Don’t Waste Your Cancer – A Witness

IMG_1098(Part 11 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#11 –We waste our cancer if we fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

I remember one especially dark day several years ago when I was so weak from treatment, I could not lift my head. I was fearful of the future, the life of a vegetable, or death. I ached that others were caring for me, meeting bodily needs as if I were a baby. I could do nothing for myself.

“How does this glorify you, God?” my thoughts led me. “I’ve told you my one wish daily is to glorify you. So how do you think I’m going to do that today?”

I don’t ever claim to have heard God audibly, but the strong sense in my soul was as clear as words, “You have already.” Just being willing to do what he desired brought glory to him. My laying there, willing to do what physically I couldn’t do, brought him delight. That day, the greatest way I could serve him was to lay there, semi-conscious, and gain strength.

So much of this journey has been a witness of his truth and glory. It’s not my story but his story in and through my life. The lives touched have not been by my strength or cleverness. I’ve been too sick to sugar-coat anything. I’ve been too weak in my will to force any pretense. But through his strength, I have born witness to his grace and comfort in my life.

It was fitting that John Piper ended with this point, and for me to follow suit. Our whole lives are a witness to how we have lived. They expose the principles and values, hopes and dreams, on which we have lived.  As we get closer to the end of  life, we have one last brief opportunity to make a last statement – our witness

I pray my last statement will be consistent with my life and will give glory to God.

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Sin

IMG_1098(Part 10 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#10 –We waste our cancer if we treat sin as casually as before.

Sin is a word that is “politically incorrect” these days. We call some indulgences or bad choices  “diseases” (alcoholism, drug abuse) and certainly they become diseases that need to be treated or they will take a life. We hesitate to call some lifestyles behaviors sin lest someone be offended. It’s a word we tip-toe around.

And we probably should, when it comes to thinking about the lives of others. Strong words are used in the Bible about judging others. It’s not for us to say what separates a person from God — that is between them and God.

But cancer (or anything that makes us pause in our rush to live) gives us the opportunity to look at our own life and sin within. Piper says, “Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin.” It puts life into perspective. Things I once enjoyed that were not of God seem trivial now. He goes on to say, “Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer…Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. ‘What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?’” (Luke 9:25).

Since time is of the essence, so is how I spend my time. I want to spend my time on things that will last — memories and mementos of love to those who will live on; words of encouragement and hope for those who will need it; experiences in nature that reflect the nature of God; words in poetry or prose that encourages hearts. I have so much to do, I can hardly think about doing things that don’t please the Lord!

And yet, sin does creep in just like it has my whole life. I’m tempted to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I’m tempted to believe in “cures” rather than God’s timing.  I’m tempted, especially when I’m tired, to watch to much TV where crimes are solved and relationships mended in an hour (how unrealistic!). Sin offers an easy way to get out of my difficulties for a moment, relieving me from facing the challenges before me.

My faith has taught me to face life head-on. I can dance around issues in my life, but why? Why should I not face them when I can, by faith, figure out the source of sin and meet that need in a way that glorifies God.

And for sins that are entrenched and ever before me? I keep taking them on one by one, bringing them to Jesus who paid for them all. He forgives me, not based on my goodness, but on his. In that truth, there is great relief. Anything I have given up in this world has been well worth it for the grace I have received.

How do your trials work with you to help defeat sin? (comment below)

 

Medical Update

DSC_0378We saw the doctor last Friday. I’ve continued to have issues with the chemo crashing my WBC count at the end of the 3 week sessions. Because of that and some other side effects, he is lowering my dose to try to keep it and the platelet counts from going so low. It is holding my cancer number steady, so I hope reducing it doesn’t change that. I go back in 4 weeks.

I keep getting the question of when will I be through with the chemo. The answer is that I won’t. I have to remember that my kind of cancer is not something chemo kills/cures. It can knock it back, but does not irradiate it like other cancers. Eventuality, this form of chemo will quit working and we’ll try another one or a transplant. The good news is that they are discovering new drugs for multiple myeloma, increasing my chances of dying from old age. 🙂 In the meantime, I’m enjoying life, volunteering back to Cru and loving’ on my family.

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Grieving

IMG_1098(Part 9 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#9 –We waste our cancer if we grieve as those who have no hope.

There is a grieving that goes with realizing our bodies are mortal, that life will end. When you have a disease that could easily take your life, there is a keen awareness of mortality and losses. Just the last few days I’ve reflexed on some of them:

  • Soft kisses from my lover brushing my cheek
  • Freshly mowed grass along the highway
  • Lake water lapping onto shore
  • Squeezes from an adult child, torn between leaving and staying
  • Text from a friend; she misses me
  • Hillsides brimming with crops to feed a nation

There is so much that I will miss, and I grieve it. Dispite descriptions of pearly gates and streets of gold, right now I’d pick a snow covered mountain and another Christmas with family.

Some people don’t understand or share my grief. I’ve been told I’m “negative.” Others are not living my life; they cannot feel it slipping away. At times, I’m very alone in grief and it makes it more intense. It’s as if I’m walking around naked but no one will talk about it. I know it; they know it, but it’s unmentionable.

Sometimes people skip over the current grief and jump into the hope of heaven. That is really difficult. It feels like we are ignoring nakedness and jumping to a wedding dress. Right now, I’m naked!

It’s when someone enters into my state of grief, we can begin to hope together.

And I don’t grieve as someone who has no hope. John Piper talks about 2 Corinthians 5:8 and 2 Thessalonians 4:13 – wonderful verses of encouragement. My greatest hope is in seeing Christ face to face. I know what he has meant to me here on earth, through his Holy Spirit. He has given hope and faith and love far beyond what I think I would have known without him. Even in the midst of my human grief, his Spirit comforts me like a deep, fluffy comforter I can snuggle down into. I have a hard time envisioning how I would be handling this if I did not know Christ.

And I have hope for the future, no doubt. I have hope for healing, temporarily in this present life as well as in eternity. But I do bristle when people breeze by the pain of the present. I am very aware of the fear of the pain of dying. There is anxiety in trying to do things right, to maximize time. There is separation in death, even if it is only for a time. I don’t know everything about eternity. And there are things about earth I don’t want to forget.

John Piper said it succinctly: “There is a grief at death.” I trust that we can meet each other honestly in that grief. In fact, there is something even holy about it. As Jesus said, “Blessed are they that mourn.”(Matthew 5:4) A level of relationship is revealed through our mourning, loving someone/something so much that we feel overwhelmed, out of control, with a sense of separation and loss.

It’s only when we love enough to really mourn, can we be comforted.

We mourn from many losses. What gives you hope in the midst? How does it help when others identify with your grief?

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Affection

IMG_1098(Part 8 in an 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#8 – We waste our cancer if we let it drive us into solitude instead of deepen our relationships with manifest affection.

You may have noticed that I have disagreed with John Piper on several of his points, or at least, struggled with them. But this one – he hit the nail on the head!

I’ve struggled with relationships while dealing with cancer.

There are so many voices in my head. I’m an introvert by nature, so it’s natural for me to struggle in the midst of people. Cancer, knowing that my time is limited, thinking about a future without me for my husband, children, grandchildren makes me feel even more. As much as I hope, I know death always wins in the end. And in the end, there will just be one person – me.

And there is so much focus on me. It’s easy to feel, “poor me,” and lean in to the sympathy of others. Then there are the “bucket list” thinkers, challenging me to have goals I have no control over accomplishing.

Pain makes me turn inward, curling into a ball, careful not to move least I hurt. Focus is on survival, bringing the world inward, rather than reaching outward.

So it goes against nature to begin reaching out, and yet, that is where true comfort lies.

Connecting with people I have known for years gives me perspective. They have been with me through hard times and good. They know my strengths, my weaknesses. They know how to encourage me and when to just be silent. They know my hope…and my fears.

Connecting with people I haven’t known well is more difficult. I have limited energy and want to focus my time on those I love. And yet, God calls me to glorify him with uniqueness he has placed in me. I’m still using skills in driving projects within Cru, although I always make sure there is a co-leader for those times “chemo brain” sets in or treatment gets more aggressive. And, although it is emotional hard at times, I have new relationships with new friends because we have something in common – they have diseases that are taking their lives. It’s not a ministry I every wanted, but am receiving.

Connecting with people I love has been, surprisingly, the most difficult. When things go well, I fear this may be the last time with them, and I want so much more. When they don’t go so well, I long to make it better, to fix it, because this might be the last memory they have of me. I struggle between being overly intense and overly casual. There is so much to say, and so little time. But it’s not just my desire to say things, but also their ability to hear. Even in writing this, the tears flow…

John Piper says, “That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.”

Is there pain in your life that makes you retreat into yourself? I encourage you to reach out to others, relationships who know you, new friends, loved ones, and share that pain. If you want to share it with me, comment below. 

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Focus

IMG_1098(Part 7 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#7 – We waste our cancer if we spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

As I read this section, it seemed as if the issue is “what” and “how much.” As John Piper said, “Ignorance is not a virtue.” We certainly should know about our disease and take responsibility in its treatment.

But the issue here is focus: Do I focus on my cancer or on God? How I spend my time reveals my focus.

Example: Roger loves basketball. Therefore, basketball is a part of his life, three days a week, plus whatever is on TV. It is the sport that has his focus.

When cancer entered my life, it took my focus off of everything else. Figuring out and following treatments was all consuming. Trying to get doctors to even agree and getting MRI’s and test results to the right people ate up much of my life, leaving time or energy for little else.

Creeping in like light from a cracked door was the whisper of God, beckoning me from his word. As I opened the door, focusing on what he wanted to say to me, helped my light to shine on others. They heard it and felt it, and we were filled with hope that is hard to understand. Hope that doesn’t come from research, statistics, or even survivor stories; hope that comes from a bigger source than I can imagine and gives love and peace in the midst of confusion.

“Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God,” writes John Piper. I gain that reality by reading his word. Looking at death, I gain a perspective I didn’t have when I was full of life. Looking at death, I feel more of a “beginning” (for which I am grateful) and an “end.” Looking at death, I can’t help but wonder about what comes after.

How has a trial or illness affected your focus?

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Cancer Does Not Win if We Die

IMG_1098(Part 6 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#6 – We waste our cancer if we think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

I don’t know about you, but I have done a fair amount of research about my cancer, multiple myeloma. The Internet has been my friend, with doctors from multiple institutions. I can tell you about statistical odds and technical terms.

I have to catch myself, though, in the midst of my research. Certainly I want the best treatment. Certainly I want to understand. Certainly I want to be a part of decision making. But there is time when statistics, diagnoses, and treatments become moot points. The cancer takes over.

My cancer is considered “incurable.” We knock it down, but it always comes back. There is no “cure.” So that means, after a point, research goes into dark areas. Obituaries start to appear on the Internet. My thoughts start to wander into the valley of hopelessness.

Do I want to beat cancer? You beat. John Piper has gone past the 5-year mark and is considered cured. I’m happy for him. Maybe I will live long enough for them to find a cure, but for now, I face reality.

Where we go wrong is thinking that a cure is good because disease is bad; that life is good because death is bad.

For a Christian, death is just an extension of the eternal life we received when we believed in Jesus for our salvation (John 17:3). Knowing Christ in each stage of my life changed my life. I know the peace I have experienced, the courage, the longings that are not natural to me. As wonderful as it has been, what would make me think it would end in death based on his promises?

Some people think I am a fool to believe in an eternal home with God. But when I look at what they believe in, that dying is the end of being, I feel sorry for them. My faith gives me hope and courage. I wonder about theirs.

In Philippians 1:21, Paul looking at his numbered days wrote, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” Those are hard words to ingest, much less live, when death feels so real. We want to fight with everything we have. We want to be courageous. But more importantly, we need to realize…

“Cancer does not win if we die. It wins if we fail to cherish Christ.” (John Piper)

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Numbered Days

IMG_1098(Part 5 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#5 – We waste our cancer if we refuse to think about death.

Many people become uncomfortable when I talk about death. I shocked a hairdresser yesterday leaving the shop, saying I didn’t know when I would be back. It’s not something the healthy want to think about.

Somehow we try to fool ourselves to feel we are immortal; that if we just eat right and drive safely, we’ll have a future and a sense of security.

But what we don’t account for is the minute germ clinging to our hand or the drunk driver spinning across the road.

If we knew death was coming, we would think differently. We would tell our children we love them. We’d hold them a little more closely. We would not waste time and prepare financially. We would think about spiritual and eternal destinations.

Instead, we like our little world of denial. Even cancer has a hard time breaking in. I remember talking with friend with terminal breast cancer about the meaning of “courage.” Everyone says we are courageous, but what does that mean? We are fighting, but there is also courage expressed in those last moments when we surrender. Somehow we think we can control what is within us.

But the truth is, we can’t control it. Death will come for all of us. I can’t control cancer anymore than a car flying at me. My mind and spirit cannot control the cancer eating away at my bones.

The issue is not death; the issue is life. What will I do with my days? Psalms 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Cancer helps us to realize the number of days before us is shorter than what we thought when we were in a state of denial. Cancer helps us develop wisdom.

And I love how the psalm talks about a “heart” of wisdom, because so much of what we learn is emotional. In my acceptance of death, I grew in sensitivity to love — awareness of my own love for others as well as lost opportunities for love. I celebrated as well as grieved. I forgave as well as received forgiveness. Sometimes, I realized that emotional healing was not going to happen, that it takes two people who are willing. Even in that grief, I knew I had taken the steps I needed in the numbered days that I had to pursue reconciliation. Now I could turn to loving others.

Pray that I would develop a “heart of wisdom” instead of denial of death. That is my prayer for you, no matter how many days you have.

How can I pray for you? (comment)

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – A Propped Up Heart

IMG_1098(Part 4 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#4 – We waste our cancer if we seek comfort from our odds rather than from God.

Before we go any further, I want to say that I am not in favor of pain nor do I feel the sense that I need to put on a face of courage and gut it out. I look for all the comfort I can get while I am being treated. I take medications and an occasional bowl of Breyer’s Black Cherry Jubliee. A little comfort from our odds is to be expected.

The problem comes when we depend on temporary comfort rather than comfort that comes from God. I’m learning that temporary comfort is just that — temporary. It doesn’t last. In fact, it can weigh us down (and make us gain weight!), looking for the next thing that will take away the pain and fear.

John Piper says it this way: “The aim of God in our cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.” (2 Corinthians 1:9)

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my props knocked out. I remember a day in the midst of horrible treatment when I could not lift my head up. I was barely conscious. As a person who likes to produce, there was nothing I could produce. As I lay there with my thoughts, I questioned God, “How does this glorify you?”

And it was if his answer came with a sense of peace and a smile, “You glorify me by coming to me in dependence. Sometimes pleasing me means just laying there in obedience. You may get better and someday you may accomplish things again, but for now, dependence means laying there.”

I know it was all in my head, but that kind of response felt outside of me. It was not something I would have thought or felt. When all the props were knocked out from under my heart and life, God was there.

How about you? Are you feeling as if all the props are knocked out? Feel free to comment to me personally (Maggie.bruehl@gmail.com) or to leave a comment for others to see.

 

 

Passing it on: Relationships

2011-5-22 Great WallI read a good article in May 2014 Real Simple: Mother-in-Law & Order and realized it explained some things in my own life about relationships in general (even though the focus is on mother-in-laws). Some observations and thoughts from the article:

1 – When did it get started?  “Mother-in-law issues go back to Year One (or a few decades later), when the Roman satirist Juvenal wrote, ‘Give up all hope of peace so long as your mothering-in-law is alive.'” I wonder if some feelings are affected by the assumption we will not get along?

2 – Why Mother-in-law? Why does it not cross gender lines? “Women spend more time than men analyzing and worrying about relationships.” Good point. “In contrast, men don’t often ruminate, and when conflict arises, they tend to shrug it off rather than address it.” I think I need to learn from the men in my life.

3 – Differing expectations? Expectations of female bonding can create conflict. My mother-in-law called frequently when I first got married and had no idea I hated talking on the phone. We finally figured it out. We also have “superwoman” expectations we put on ourselves and others. When you get married, there is the clash of two cultures (unconscious ways of doing life).

4 – Different dynamics? Mother-in-law relationships catch husbands in the middle. Or, could it be that husbands help create issues by encouraging wives or mothers to meet expectations? I’ve seen situations where the husband hides behind a skirt (“My wife doesn’t want to…”) instead of manning-up to his own feelings.

5 – Humor or Hate? Culture has a huge effect on how we view relationships. I HATE mother-in-law jokes! They are not funny and are discrimination. If you think your mother-in-law will be a problem, she probably will. But if you are determined to believe the best and accept unconditionally, it works much better.

6 – Borders? Comments can feel intrusive and critical (Why do you brown your meat first?). If we’re defensive, we’ll accept comments from that angle. On the other hand, I know I’ve asked my daughter questions about how she does things because I sincerely want to learn from her. Ask a question back to explore your differences. If a question feels prying, a response like, “It’s a personal choice” usually gives a signal to back off.

7 – Tattling? Tattling to someone (usually a husband or family member) so that they will take your side is not good. Talking to others to get insight and perspective can be good. There is a fine line between the two, so check motives and be sensitive about how it will affect the person caught in the middle.

8 – Commitments? I remember when my mother asked me to call her every Sunday night and I just bristled. It felt as if personal freedom was being taken away rather than given, and if I failed, I would be judged (my over-active sense of responsibility). Commitments, just like expectations, need to be negotiated so that they understood and work for everyone.

I’ve been fortunate in my mother-in-law relationships, and the article helped me normalize and understand where some of my feelings (even prejudice) comes from. I’d love to learn from you if you want to leave a comment.