Only a few more days until my week of “rest” is coming up, and I can’t wait! The farther I get into this, the more it affects me.
The problem is, others can’t tell it. I look “normal.” When I’m out an about, I act normal. Others can’t crawl into my body and feel what I am feeling.
I told a friend today that sometimes I wake up feeling like there are millions of bugs scrambling around inside my body. There are flashes of light when my eyes are closed. My legs are weak and I walk with an extra bobble, not sure if they are going to hold me up. But I still get myself up in the morning and make-up does wonders.
A few weeks ago I was talking with a co-worker also taking chemo. Others in her office did not realize how much the chemo was affecting her. She puts on her make-up and her courage and faces each day with a positive spirit.
Let me just say that I doubt that there is anyone taking chemo that it doesn’t affect them (although I don’t know that for a scientific fact). Sometimes we want to talk about it and sometimes we don’t. But what we do know is that whatever it is we are experiencing, it is far from normal.
Normal for me is meeting friends at Starbucks, tackling work projects with enthusiasm, going to three stores to find the best sale and working in the yard. Life is far from normal.
A friend made the comment that grief is similar. You look normal but people cannot see how torn up, battered, you are inside. I talked with another friend yesterday who had moved back to the states from overseas — she looks “normal” but feels like a foreigner.
I guess where I am headed is that we can’t make assumptions about people even if they look “normal.” In fact, I wonder if “normal” people are the minority. We need to look deeper, talk deeper, even at this busy time of year. People want to be known for who they are, not what they look like. At least, I do.
What is inside of you that makes you not “normal?” How can I be praying for you?
Hang in there, sweet girl! A cousin of mine is supporting a husband who has had a malignant brain tumor come back. It’s SO hard. Keep battling. There are so many folks that God wants you to reach and encourage. Blessings, Tip & Laurie
You are doing very hard work, Maggie. On the days you feel discouraged, just go with it til you’ve either napped it out or talked or written it out. Addressing feelings when they persist is reasonable, even smart. You are a gem of a woman who already knows this. I’m a friend who has struggles with feelings, also needs reminding at times. Jesus cares and weeps with you when you’re in a time of weeping and revels with you when you feel his joy and power. Take a break or the next step. He is with you and friends are as near as the phone. Lean all over ’em. I love you, dear friend.