Category Archives: Maggie’s Blog

I remember as clearly as yesterday the Easter I came face to face with the resurrection story. My sister and I sometimes did plays to commemorate holidays, and I can remember singing “The Old Rugged Cross” for my parents when I was younger – cute but with little knowledge of what I was singing.

But when I was in high school, I remember being in my bedroom and reading the resurrection story. All of a sudden the ridiculousness of the story hit me.

Did I really believe that Jesus came alive from the dead?

It is an unbelievable story, and I don’t fault others for not believing it. I don’t know of anyone else who did it. Medically it’s not possible, at least not after those circumstances.

At the same time, I knew the historical evidence — that a man named Jesus lived and died. Afterwards a huge number, more than what followed him in life, believed in his life, death and resurrection. That group grew in spite of extreme persecution (like being fed to lions) and yet continues, even to this day. Our brothers and sisters in Kenya prove the strength of conviction.

The story around his resurrection is plausible from what I know about the nature of men. I can imagine one out of twelve betraying him. I can imagine them running away, hiding, even denying under pressure that they knew him. I can imagine the fear of the Romans that his body might be stolen and placing a guard. I can imagine weeping women coming to a tomb after all the men ran away. I can imagine seeing visions of their friend.

What I can’t imagine is these cowards stealing a body. I can’tt imagine Roman guards falling asleep at the job, with an impending judgement of death. I can’t imagine the disciples willingness to never express doubt, to be bold in the midst of pressure, to go to the cross themselves, over a hallucination. I can’t imagine that someone, Jew or Roman, never proved the resurrection a hoax. The movement was not silenced. Something happened in the lives of the eleven, and in the lives of the next generation of believers, to turn their lives around.

So, even though, thousands of years later, I can not prove the resurrection, I believed it could have happened. And, if it could have happened, I believed it did happen.

Not because of what believing did in their lives, but because of what it did in my life.

It’s such an innocent word, forward. When I picked it as my word for the year, I was thinking that I wanted the opposite of backwards, something that would not push me too much out of my comfort zone. It wasn’t like courage or boldness, right?

And yet it is, because it encompasses those words and even more.

You see, when you pick a work like forward, you don’t know where it is going. It may take courage or boldness or waiting or patience. I think I was hoping more for the waiting and patience.

But this week, in order to move forward, I’m going to need the courage and boldness. You see, I’ve been working on a book. Shhh…I’m scared to even write it, to hope for it. It started last year in the midst of cancer treatment. So many ask how I live in the middle of life and death. So I started writing things down, moving forward.

Then, at chapter 5, I got scared.

What if I die before it’s completed? What if no one wants to publish it? What if they do? What if it’s not “good? What if it is good and sells a ton and they want me to do interviews? The “what if’s” were overwhelming me. In fact, the more affirmation I got on the project, the more fearful I became.

I took a break from the project, but it didn’t gone away. I need to move forward.

New week is the Florida Christian Writers Conference. I signed up for it months ago. I’ve been assigned 2 publishers and a seminar leader to pick up at the airport. I can’t back out. Look what this “moving forward” has gotten me into!

Now I have to move forward — I can’t leave people at the airport! But my little introverted self is terrified. Just as I am working myself into a full blown panic attack, a blogger I follow wrote

I think being gentle with my soul looks like grace. It looks like taking a deep breath and enjoying the moment. It looks like letting go of the should’s and ought’s and could have’s. It looks like smiling at the mistakes and moving on. It looks like compassion for ourselves.(Gina Butz)

I should have picked the word “grace” or “compassion” for this year. But since I picked forward, pray I will “enjoy the moment” and keep moving ahead.

What scares you? How would giving yourself grace make a difference?

I’ve been surprised lately with the effect rules have in my life. A broken leg and then fighting cancer have forced adjustments the last couple of years, but as I think about “forward,” I’m realizing the deeper role they have played.

I didn’t see them coming at first. I was just doing what made sense. I couldn’t walk so I made a “rule” to hobble along on my walker. A walker doesn’t do stairs, so I made a “rule” to delegate the reason I mainly went upstairs — the laundry. I got tired at night, so I made a “rule” to take a nap in the afternoon.

But then, rules begat rules. If I took a nap late in the afternoon, I couldn’t fall asleep at night. So…the rule became, take a nap by 3 pm. And as I began to walk again, I made a “rule” that I could work on the laundry, just not carry it up and down the stairs. I began to see how the Pharisees got into their legalism!

Rules then became subconscious. I became tired mid-afternoon, whether or not I needed a nap. I didn’t try to carry laundry even when I was able to walk stairs. I was limiting myself without realizing I was doing it.

And I think I made a “rule” not to expect to move forward. Maintaining status quo was hard enough. In fact, just not dying felt pretty good.

So right now I’m feeling like a train who just realized it’s not moving. It’s all coupled up to freight cars, but not going anywhere. Between not remembering what it is like to move (what comes first, second, etc.) it’s not sure it should move (is it on the schedule to move? What track should it be on? What is the destination? Should I toot the horn or not?)

So I have a choice…to stay where I am or to move forward. There is risk involved. I might fail. It takes effort to do what use to come naturally.

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

I know what it is like to be enslaved to sin and freed. Our physical frailties also enslave us. They can be healed and we can be freed again. Emotional fears can be even stronger than physical limitations, but it’s as I exercise my muscles in faith, I can feel His strength.

Forward…taking off the rules.

What rules have you made that limits your moving forward? What are you going to do about it?

Just wanted to let you know about my last doctor’s visit. He took me off the chemo again, before I finished the round, because of low white blood cell counts. It also gave me diarrhea for more than a week (that may be more than you want to know?!?).

The good news was my cancer is remaining stable, even on a low dose of chemo. I go again today for labs, but it sounds as if he’s going to cut my dose in half again, hoping I won’t have the side effects but that it will be enough to keep the cancer stable. In the meantime, I’m keeping my exposure low and getting things done at home (even writing a little bit!).

We have a trip planned on Thursday, so pray that I am healthy enough to go!

People have asked me how I got started writing poetry. I can’t remember the very beginning, but I know the Psalms have been a great model for me. When I get stuck (like I have been lately), I go to the Psalms for modeling and inspiration.

Last week I read Psalm 29. I couldn’t help but notice the repetition: “Ascribe” 3 times in the first 2 verses, “The voice of the LORD” 7 times verses 3-9, the “LORD sits…gives…bless” at the end. So I re-wrote the Psalm in my own personal version, thinking through what I would “ascribe” to the LORD, etc. It’s not my best poem, nor do I consider it in finished form, but I thought it might encourage others to think it what their personal version would be. And, who knows, maybe you are a poet!?!

Psalm 29 – A Psalm of Maggie

Ascribe to the LORD, Maggie Bruehl, 

Ascribe to the LORD his majesty and mercy.

Ascribe to the LORD the majesty as creator of all;

Worship the LORD in the mercy of forgiveness.

The voice of the LORD created the earth

Formless to form

Sun, moon, stars, waters, and land.

The voice of the LORD created life

A spark connecting sun, waters and land

To make earth lush, green, beautiful

The voice of the LORD fed fish and animals

Creating diversity and beauty

Man stumbles to try to duplicate.

The breath of the LORD created the Spirit of man

In an earthly image of himself

For eternal fellowship.

The voice of the LORD called out in the Garden

To woo back that which was broken

To clothe naked vulnerability.

The voice of the LORD found one righteous man

With the faith to build an ark

And hope in the midst of darkness.

The voice of the LORD called out to Abraham

Promising the impossible, giving life to a nation

Offering eternal life to all peoples.

The voice of the LORD continues to rule the earth

Through thunder and fire

The sweep of waters.

The voice of the LORD allows man the choice of evil

To give his heart to lust and violence

To destroy what God created and loved.

The voice of the LORD continues to call mankind

Offering intimacy and life

Hope and strength.

The voice of the LORD responds to cries of

Repentance begging for

Mercy, hope and strength.

The voice of the Lord embraces, forgives, restores and renews

Promising eternal life in oneness with him

The perfection He created without sin.

The LORD sits enthroned as Father, Son and Spirit.

The LORD sits enthroned, scarred hands held out

May the LORD give strength to me, now one of his people

May the LROD bless me and all his people with mercy.