Author Archives: Maggie

Medical Update 10/13/14

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2011-5-22 Great WallJust wanted to let you know about my last doctor’s visit. He took me off the chemo again, before I finished the round, because of low white blood cell counts. It also gave me diarrhea for more than a week (that may be more than you want to know?!?).

The good news was my cancer is remaining stable, even on a low dose of chemo. I go again today for labs, but it sounds as if he’s going to cut my dose in half again, hoping I won’t have the side effects but that it will be enough to keep the cancer stable. In the meantime, I’m keeping my exposure low and getting things done at home (even writing a little bit!).

We have a trip planned on Thursday, so pray that I am healthy enough to go!

Date Night

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2011-5-22 Great WallFor me, it’s important to keep the perspective that my relationship with God is just that: a relationship. As soon as it turns into “should’s” or “ought’s,” I’m dead in the water! It begins to turn into a “religion” where I try to please in fear of what will happen. When that happens, I’m more than dead in the water; I’m floating to the top.

In small group from our church, we were talking about “devotions.” They asked me how I did it. Embarrassed, I had to confess I don’t do it the “right” way, the way I “should” do it, the way I have been taught was best. I’ve never been a “morning person” and with cancer, I’m not good I’m a night person anymore. God and I say “good morning” and I (in words or spirit) thank Him that I have another day. I tell him I want to spend it however he desires, as an offering to him. That’s it.

It reminds me of when Roger goes to play basketball ridiculously early in the morning. I’m half (or all the way) asleep, but he plants a kiss and tells me where he is going so if I wake later, I’m not disoriented. We don’t have to have a long talk (with me half asleep, that usually doesn’t go well). It’s just a connection that we can get away with because of the whole of our relationship.

There are times when we have longer together, catching up on our day and to-do items. Those are great, usually. Sometimes they end up in longer, decision-making conversations (code for arguments/reconciliation), but that’s all a part of relationship. We need to know we are headed in the same direction, sharing values. That takes some working out.

And then there is date night — pure fun. That’s what I call my extended time with God. I try to be aware of atmosphere — reading my Bible on the porch at Panera’s alongside a lake or just making sure we’re alone and away from my desk. I usually don’t have a time constraint or now it’s at least an hour. I take my time reading, thinking, reflecting, praying, writing – whatever comes. I inhale our relationship deeply, and exhale the crud in my life. Usually I’m surprised when it is over, just like I am with Roger or a favorite friend and time is up. I get lost in the moment, being present with someone I love and who loves me.

And then, back to reality, little pecks in the morning. I feel it’s what keeps our relationship fresh. There is no routine, no ought to’s. I feel it’s never enough, and I can’t wait to do it again. I can’t help but think it’s a vision of heaven — eternal date night, intimacy with God. As much as I love it here, there is a part of me that can hardly wait.

How do you keep your relationship with God fresh? Believe me, I’ve got nothing against regular times in the morning if you can do it, I’d love to hear how! Where are you reading right now? What is the Lord saying to you?

Writing Poetry – Psalm 29

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2011-5-22 Great WallPeople have asked me how I got started writing poetry. I can’t remember the very beginning, but I know the Psalms have been a great model for me. When I get stuck (like I have been lately), I go to the Psalms for modeling and inspiration.

Last week I read Psalm 29. I couldn’t help but notice the repetition: “Ascribe” 3 times in the first 2 verses, “The voice of the LORD” 7 times verses 3-9, the “LORD sits…gives…bless” at the end. So I re-wrote the Psalm in my own personal version, thinking through what I would “ascribe” to the LORD, etc. It’s not my best poem, nor do I consider it in finished form, but I thought it might encourage others to think it what their personal version would be. And, who knows, maybe you are a poet!?!

Psalm 29 – A Psalm of Maggie

Ascribe to the LORD, Maggie Bruehl, 

Ascribe to the LORD his majesty and mercy.

Ascribe to the LORD the majesty as creator of all;

Worship the LORD in the mercy of forgiveness.

 

The voice of the LORD created the earth

Formless to form

Sun, moon, stars, waters, and land.

The voice of the LORD created life

A spark connecting sun, waters and land

To make earth lush, green, beautiful

The voice of the LORD fed fish and animals

Creating diversity and beauty

Man stumbles to try to duplicate.

The breath of the LORD created the Spirit of man

In an earthly image of himself

For eternal fellowship.

 

The voice of the LORD called out in the Garden

To woo back that which was broken

To clothe naked vulnerability.

The voice of the LORD found one righteous man

With the faith to build an ark

And hope in the midst of darkness.

The voice of the LORD called out to Abraham

Promising the impossible, giving life to a nation

Offering eternal life to all peoples.

 

The voice of the LORD continues to rule the earth

Through thunder and fire

The sweep of waters.

The voice of the LORD allows man the choice of evil

To give his heart to lust and violence

To destroy what God created and loved.

The voice of the LORD continues to call mankind

Offering intimacy and life

Hope and strength.

The voice of the LORD responds to cries of

Repentance begging for

Mercy, hope and strength.

The voice of the Lord embraces, forgives, restores and renews

Promising eternal life in oneness with him

The perfection He created without sin.

 

The LORD sits enthroned as Father, Son and Spirit.

The LORD sits enthroned, scarred hands held out

May the LORD give strength to me, now one of his people

May the LROD bless me and all his people with mercy.

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – A Witness

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IMG_1098(Part 11 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#11 –We waste our cancer if we fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

I remember one especially dark day several years ago when I was so weak from treatment, I could not lift my head. I was fearful of the future, the life of a vegetable, or death. I ached that others were caring for me, meeting bodily needs as if I were a baby. I could do nothing for myself.

“How does this glorify you, God?” my thoughts led me. “I’ve told you my one wish daily is to glorify you. So how do you think I’m going to do that today?”

I don’t ever claim to have heard God audibly, but the strong sense in my soul was as clear as words, “You have already.” Just being willing to do what he desired brought glory to him. My laying there, willing to do what physically I couldn’t do, brought him delight. That day, the greatest way I could serve him was to lay there, semi-conscious, and gain strength.

So much of this journey has been a witness of his truth and glory. It’s not my story but his story in and through my life. The lives touched have not been by my strength or cleverness. I’ve been too sick to sugar-coat anything. I’ve been too weak in my will to force any pretense. But through his strength, I have born witness to his grace and comfort in my life.

It was fitting that John Piper ended with this point, and for me to follow suit. Our whole lives are a witness to how we have lived. They expose the principles and values, hopes and dreams, on which we have lived.  As we get closer to the end of  life, we have one last brief opportunity to make a last statement – our witness

I pray my last statement will be consistent with my life and will give glory to God.

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Sin

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IMG_1098(Part 10 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#10 –We waste our cancer if we treat sin as casually as before.

Sin is a word that is “politically incorrect” these days. We call some indulgences or bad choices  “diseases” (alcoholism, drug abuse) and certainly they become diseases that need to be treated or they will take a life. We hesitate to call some lifestyles behaviors sin lest someone be offended. It’s a word we tip-toe around.

And we probably should, when it comes to thinking about the lives of others. Strong words are used in the Bible about judging others. It’s not for us to say what separates a person from God — that is between them and God.

But cancer (or anything that makes us pause in our rush to live) gives us the opportunity to look at our own life and sin within. Piper says, “Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin.” It puts life into perspective. Things I once enjoyed that were not of God seem trivial now. He goes on to say, “Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer…Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. ‘What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?’” (Luke 9:25).

Since time is of the essence, so is how I spend my time. I want to spend my time on things that will last — memories and mementos of love to those who will live on; words of encouragement and hope for those who will need it; experiences in nature that reflect the nature of God; words in poetry or prose that encourages hearts. I have so much to do, I can hardly think about doing things that don’t please the Lord!

And yet, sin does creep in just like it has my whole life. I’m tempted to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I’m tempted to believe in “cures” rather than God’s timing.  I’m tempted, especially when I’m tired, to watch to much TV where crimes are solved and relationships mended in an hour (how unrealistic!). Sin offers an easy way to get out of my difficulties for a moment, relieving me from facing the challenges before me.

My faith has taught me to face life head-on. I can dance around issues in my life, but why? Why should I not face them when I can, by faith, figure out the source of sin and meet that need in a way that glorifies God.

And for sins that are entrenched and ever before me? I keep taking them on one by one, bringing them to Jesus who paid for them all. He forgives me, not based on my goodness, but on his. In that truth, there is great relief. Anything I have given up in this world has been well worth it for the grace I have received.

How do your trials work with you to help defeat sin? (comment below)

 

Medical Update

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DSC_0378We saw the doctor last Friday. I’ve continued to have issues with the chemo crashing my WBC count at the end of the 3 week sessions. Because of that and some other side effects, he is lowering my dose to try to keep it and the platelet counts from going so low. It is holding my cancer number steady, so I hope reducing it doesn’t change that. I go back in 4 weeks.

I keep getting the question of when will I be through with the chemo. The answer is that I won’t. I have to remember that my kind of cancer is not something chemo kills/cures. It can knock it back, but does not irradiate it like other cancers. Eventuality, this form of chemo will quit working and we’ll try another one or a transplant. The good news is that they are discovering new drugs for multiple myeloma, increasing my chances of dying from old age. 🙂 In the meantime, I’m enjoying life, volunteering back to Cru and loving’ on my family.

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Grieving

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IMG_1098(Part 9 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#9 –We waste our cancer if we grieve as those who have no hope.

There is a grieving that goes with realizing our bodies are mortal, that life will end. When you have a disease that could easily take your life, there is a keen awareness of mortality and losses. Just the last few days I’ve reflexed on some of them:

  • Soft kisses from my lover brushing my cheek
  • Freshly mowed grass along the highway
  • Lake water lapping onto shore
  • Squeezes from an adult child, torn between leaving and staying
  • Text from a friend; she misses me
  • Hillsides brimming with crops to feed a nation

There is so much that I will miss, and I grieve it. Dispite descriptions of pearly gates and streets of gold, right now I’d pick a snow covered mountain and another Christmas with family.

Some people don’t understand or share my grief. I’ve been told I’m “negative.” Others are not living my life; they cannot feel it slipping away. At times, I’m very alone in grief and it makes it more intense. It’s as if I’m walking around naked but no one will talk about it. I know it; they know it, but it’s unmentionable.

Sometimes people skip over the current grief and jump into the hope of heaven. That is really difficult. It feels like we are ignoring nakedness and jumping to a wedding dress. Right now, I’m naked!

It’s when someone enters into my state of grief, we can begin to hope together.

And I don’t grieve as someone who has no hope. John Piper talks about 2 Corinthians 5:8 and 2 Thessalonians 4:13 – wonderful verses of encouragement. My greatest hope is in seeing Christ face to face. I know what he has meant to me here on earth, through his Holy Spirit. He has given hope and faith and love far beyond what I think I would have known without him. Even in the midst of my human grief, his Spirit comforts me like a deep, fluffy comforter I can snuggle down into. I have a hard time envisioning how I would be handling this if I did not know Christ.

And I have hope for the future, no doubt. I have hope for healing, temporarily in this present life as well as in eternity. But I do bristle when people breeze by the pain of the present. I am very aware of the fear of the pain of dying. There is anxiety in trying to do things right, to maximize time. There is separation in death, even if it is only for a time. I don’t know everything about eternity. And there are things about earth I don’t want to forget.

John Piper said it succinctly: “There is a grief at death.” I trust that we can meet each other honestly in that grief. In fact, there is something even holy about it. As Jesus said, “Blessed are they that mourn.”(Matthew 5:4) A level of relationship is revealed through our mourning, loving someone/something so much that we feel overwhelmed, out of control, with a sense of separation and loss.

It’s only when we love enough to really mourn, can we be comforted.

We mourn from many losses. What gives you hope in the midst? How does it help when others identify with your grief?

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Affection

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IMG_1098(Part 8 in an 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#8 – We waste our cancer if we let it drive us into solitude instead of deepen our relationships with manifest affection.

You may have noticed that I have disagreed with John Piper on several of his points, or at least, struggled with them. But this one – he hit the nail on the head!

I’ve struggled with relationships while dealing with cancer.

There are so many voices in my head. I’m an introvert by nature, so it’s natural for me to struggle in the midst of people. Cancer, knowing that my time is limited, thinking about a future without me for my husband, children, grandchildren makes me feel even more. As much as I hope, I know death always wins in the end. And in the end, there will just be one person – me.

And there is so much focus on me. It’s easy to feel, “poor me,” and lean in to the sympathy of others. Then there are the “bucket list” thinkers, challenging me to have goals I have no control over accomplishing.

Pain makes me turn inward, curling into a ball, careful not to move least I hurt. Focus is on survival, bringing the world inward, rather than reaching outward.

So it goes against nature to begin reaching out, and yet, that is where true comfort lies.

Connecting with people I have known for years gives me perspective. They have been with me through hard times and good. They know my strengths, my weaknesses. They know how to encourage me and when to just be silent. They know my hope…and my fears.

Connecting with people I haven’t known well is more difficult. I have limited energy and want to focus my time on those I love. And yet, God calls me to glorify him with uniqueness he has placed in me. I’m still using skills in driving projects within Cru, although I always make sure there is a co-leader for those times “chemo brain” sets in or treatment gets more aggressive. And, although it is emotional hard at times, I have new relationships with new friends because we have something in common – they have diseases that are taking their lives. It’s not a ministry I every wanted, but am receiving.

Connecting with people I love has been, surprisingly, the most difficult. When things go well, I fear this may be the last time with them, and I want so much more. When they don’t go so well, I long to make it better, to fix it, because this might be the last memory they have of me. I struggle between being overly intense and overly casual. There is so much to say, and so little time. But it’s not just my desire to say things, but also their ability to hear. Even in writing this, the tears flow…

John Piper says, “That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.”

Is there pain in your life that makes you retreat into yourself? I encourage you to reach out to others, relationships who know you, new friends, loved ones, and share that pain. If you want to share it with me, comment below. 

 

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Focus

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IMG_1098(Part 7 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#7 – We waste our cancer if we spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

As I read this section, it seemed as if the issue is “what” and “how much.” As John Piper said, “Ignorance is not a virtue.” We certainly should know about our disease and take responsibility in its treatment.

But the issue here is focus: Do I focus on my cancer or on God? How I spend my time reveals my focus.

Example: Roger loves basketball. Therefore, basketball is a part of his life, three days a week, plus whatever is on TV. It is the sport that has his focus.

When cancer entered my life, it took my focus off of everything else. Figuring out and following treatments was all consuming. Trying to get doctors to even agree and getting MRI’s and test results to the right people ate up much of my life, leaving time or energy for little else.

Creeping in like light from a cracked door was the whisper of God, beckoning me from his word. As I opened the door, focusing on what he wanted to say to me, helped my light to shine on others. They heard it and felt it, and we were filled with hope that is hard to understand. Hope that doesn’t come from research, statistics, or even survivor stories; hope that comes from a bigger source than I can imagine and gives love and peace in the midst of confusion.

“Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God,” writes John Piper. I gain that reality by reading his word. Looking at death, I gain a perspective I didn’t have when I was full of life. Looking at death, I feel more of a “beginning” (for which I am grateful) and an “end.” Looking at death, I can’t help but wonder about what comes after.

How has a trial or illness affected your focus?

Don’t Waste Your Cancer – Cancer Does Not Win if We Die

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IMG_1098(Part 6 in a 11 part series based on John Piper’s booklet, “Don’t Waste You Cancer)

#6 – We waste our cancer if we think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

I don’t know about you, but I have done a fair amount of research about my cancer, multiple myeloma. The Internet has been my friend, with doctors from multiple institutions. I can tell you about statistical odds and technical terms.

I have to catch myself, though, in the midst of my research. Certainly I want the best treatment. Certainly I want to understand. Certainly I want to be a part of decision making. But there is time when statistics, diagnoses, and treatments become moot points. The cancer takes over.

My cancer is considered “incurable.” We knock it down, but it always comes back. There is no “cure.” So that means, after a point, research goes into dark areas. Obituaries start to appear on the Internet. My thoughts start to wander into the valley of hopelessness.

Do I want to beat cancer? You beat. John Piper has gone past the 5-year mark and is considered cured. I’m happy for him. Maybe I will live long enough for them to find a cure, but for now, I face reality.

Where we go wrong is thinking that a cure is good because disease is bad; that life is good because death is bad.

For a Christian, death is just an extension of the eternal life we received when we believed in Jesus for our salvation (John 17:3). Knowing Christ in each stage of my life changed my life. I know the peace I have experienced, the courage, the longings that are not natural to me. As wonderful as it has been, what would make me think it would end in death based on his promises?

Some people think I am a fool to believe in an eternal home with God. But when I look at what they believe in, that dying is the end of being, I feel sorry for them. My faith gives me hope and courage. I wonder about theirs.

In Philippians 1:21, Paul looking at his numbered days wrote, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” Those are hard words to ingest, much less live, when death feels so real. We want to fight with everything we have. We want to be courageous. But more importantly, we need to realize…

“Cancer does not win if we die. It wins if we fail to cherish Christ.” (John Piper)