God…We Need to Talk…

Why in a moment did you change my life?

IMG_0278We were at our cabin in the mountains, having a great time finishing the basement, installing a ceiling. I say that because I LOVE remodeling (just ask my husband who does not!). We were making great progress in learning new skills. It was challenging, but we were attacking the challenge and succeeding.

Then, in a nano-second, everything changed. The board slipped out of the groove and I went flying. I never felt my foot hit the ground, but I did feel my hip crash and braced my head, hoping I would not go unconscious. The wind was knocked out of me and I fought for breath. 1 inch different and my head would have hit the wall, leaving me with a broken neck.

Did you turn around? Was there someone else in the world who needed you more than me in that moment? Why was my life interrupted?

Why do I think you don’t have the right to interrupt my life? Why do I think everything should be glowing and happy and I should be successful?

And why do I think that because I am a relatively “good” person, this should not happen to me?

There are more questions right now than there are answers. I remember when I miscarried our fifth child. I was devastated with the loss, asking “why?” for seven years. I never heard an answer on that question, but I remember the moment when you filled me with your peace and the assurance. I never asked “why” again.

Maybe this will be the same. Right now, I can’t think of any really good answer you can give me about this. The pain, the daily disruption of the simplest human task, the total dependence on others, disrupting their lives — it’s hard to imagine this is “good.” But I know you give good things to your children. How do I reconcile this?

I remember when church leaders asked you, “Who sinned?” when you healed the blind man. They wanted someone to blame the blindness on. They wanted to know the “why” so they could look past your power, who you are, and their need of you. But there was no one to blame – only a moment of time, a nano-second.

Why? At a certain time, in a certain place, all questions will be answered.

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