Category Archives: Maggie’s Blog

Here We Go Again…

By | |
7 Comments

IMG_1148I’ve had the hardest time trying to think of what to name this post:

  • What I’ve dreaded is happening…
  • Hope is in the future…
  • I don’t know what to think…
  • God is in the details…

Yesterday was my oncology appointment. And, yes, as we talked about last time, chemo is starting Monday. It’s no surprise. Just a reality.

I have multiple myeloma, what is considered an “incurable” cancer. We knocked it back 7 years ago. 70% relaspe in 3 years. God has been so very gracious in my life. My M-protein jumped 6 months ago and has slowly, steadily increased since then. They delayed treatment because of the broken leg, but now it is time.

How do I feel about it?

I’m ready. I’m ready to fight. I’m ready to go. We took a road trip to visit Roger’s mother, our youngest daughter and experience ArtPriz with a grandson. We’ve intentionally made memories with friends, kids, grandkids. We’ve advice from a counselor. We have support groups. I’ve focused on eating well and working out. I’ve contributed to ministry. We’ve grown personally. We’ve walked with the Lord. We’ve done our prep work.

Will it be enough? What is the goal? Is it to live longer?

That would be nice and I would love to make more memories and serve the Lord longer. But, bottom line, I don’t know his will for the future. I only know it for today. And that is for me to abandon myself to his will. I’ve lived the last 7 years with the thought that God has given me grace for today and will be with me in tomorrow.

What he asks of me is to be faithful.

I know that’s simple. I know I don’t live it perfectly. I know others may not “get it.” I know it will be harder in the days to come when I don’t feel so good. Like any temptation, I’ve been here before, tempted to be anxious, to lean on my own strength, to think doing the “right thing” will conquer the disease. Bottom line, it’s all up to God’s will. I submit myself to it this morning and every morning.

I do know I am not alone. I have this community of readers who walk with me. You know me — I’ll be honest when I’m not doing so well. Even now, tears flow as I anticipate the future. Faith is not without fear. I appreciate your prayers however the Lord is leading you.

I wonder, are there simple statements of faith that embolden you in your walk with God? I’d love to hear them… (comment button just above the picture)

PS – For those who are interested, the drug is Revlimid which I take orally for 21 days and then 7 off for 2-4 months. That will be followed by an autologous stem cell transplant, another 2-3 months process similar to 7 years ago. Pray for all the approvals, especially in light of healthcare changes.

 

I’ve Graduated!

By | |
1 Comment

HPIM1079

Graduation is a amazing event.

I love this picture of my daughter, Amanda, as she graduated college several years ago. You can see so much in her face:

  • Confidence
  • Completion
  • Joy
  • Hope and expectations

What you don’t see in that picture are:

  • The suffering and trials it took to get there
  • The fears she has about the future

The good news is that I have “graduated” in regards to my foot. The orthopedic doctor has released me. There was no cap and gown, but there was the same sense of confidence, completion, joy, hope and expectation that glowed on Amanda’s face.

But what is not so easily seen are the impact the ordeal left on me. I’m still hesitant to trust my foot going down stairs. Escalators, the fear of falling forward, is still with me. I can’t walk long distances or my foot swells.

And I have graduated to fears about the future, especially as I head into cancer treatment. Last time the doctor said he didn’t want to wait any longer, so tests begin later this week. Just like Amanda, I wonder what the future will bring.

So right now, I’m celebrating. I’ll take each day as it comes, knowing that God gives grace for each day. I’m so grateful for those who are celebrating with me, but am even more grateful for those who walk with me into the future.

Have you “graduated” lately? Resonate with these feeling? How can I pray for you? (leave a comment; let me know if it is personal and you don’t want it posted)

Just Do It!

By | |
Leave a comment

IMG_9576 copyI’ve been having a hard time getting back into writing. My book of poetry is 90% complete – just the finishing touches. Sure, I broke my leg, which disrupted routines. It took a long time just get up and ready in the morning. You would think being stuck at home would be a writer’s paradise. It was not.

I can give a lot of excuses, but let me just say I made choices that began new patterns of how I spend my time.  My lack of mobility crept into a lack of motivation. My lack of energy morphed into laziness. My lack of ability formed a lack of focus.

And I confess, I numbed the pain. I’m not just talking about pain-killing drugs I was on after the break or surgeries that left me in a fog. I’m talking about TV and easy things that numbed feelings of inadequately and frustrations of dependency.

Just like the drugs, it wasn’t my real world. My world has people in it I wanted to encourage. My world has obstacles to overcome. My world also had words that needed to be put on paper.

It’s easier to avoid responsibility. It’s easier to live in dependency, letting others care for me.  It’s easier to spend time watching reality TV, other people living their lives. But it’s not me. It’s not my life. It’s not who God called me to be.

So, “just do it!” is what came to me as I prayed. Turn off the TV – I really don’t like the show anyway. I can get myself to the computer. I can spend time with God and let his spirit flow. That is who God uniquely made me to be. And the process of publishing is back on track.

I can’t help but think of others. They may not be writers. They may not have a broken leg or cancer. But they may be numbing themselves away from what God has called them to do with things that in and of themselves are not “bad.” Are they asking themselves, “Is it who God made me? Is it what He is calling me to do? Is it how he has asked me to reflect his character?”

Just do it!

October

By | |
1 Comment

IMG_5215 copyThe word for right now is October. We went to the oncologist last week and, as pleased as he is with the healing of my leg, he feels that we should not wait much longer to begin chemo. My next orthopedic appointment is October 1st, so he want to start immediately after my release from that doctor.

What does treatment mean? 2-4 months of chemo followed by a stem cell/bone marrow transplant (6-9 months total).

The good news: I can now schedule and actually make plans. We’ve been given a green light to celebrate vow renewals with my daughter and her husband in September. I know what time I have to finish projects before becoming fogged over in the chemo zone. People know how to pray.

The bad news: It is a reality check. It’s been a wonderful summer of grace. I’ve enjoyed the freedom of driving and accomplishing. I’ve connected back with friends. I’ve felt relatively good. But the truth is, I still have a disease living within me.

Spiritual truth: Even when I’m doing well spiritually, I still have the disease of death/sin within me. At any moment, it can tempt me to not focus on Jesus or desire to do His will. While I love His grace, I should never take it for granted or think “I’ve made it.” My life is always in His hands.

Thanks for your prayers for me. I don’t take them for granted either. Each day is a precious gift. Who would want to waste it with sin?

I Can Walk!

By | |
1 Comment

IMG_0147I can walk!

It was amazing to hear those words from my doctor last week! He was so excited, he got out of his rotation of seeing patients and threw his staff off from their routine.

As Roger and I caught his excitement, he began to back away. I think he was afraid I would being jumping and leaping for joy, so he told me to begin with 1-2 hours a day  without the brace.

 

Spiritual lessons from this? You bet!

 

1 – How often have I dampened the excitement of a new believer, fearful that they might trust to much and become disillusioned? It’s ridiculous when I write the words, but a reality. Why not just let someone enjoy the unbridled feelings of grace in their life? Reality of the pain in life will come soon enough. I don’t need to bring it.

 

2 – My walk is not pretty. It’s amazing how quickly (although it was 8 months!) we forget something as basic as walking. All sorts of muscles in my hip and left leg compensated for my weakness. I have to re-train them to do what is “natural” in a walk — but I have forgotten what natural is!

I think of sin in my life and how I compensate for it. Even when God removes it and there is victory, there is a time of re-learning. I’ve been on compensation mode for so long, it’s easy to let old habits slip back.

 

3 – I’m switching internal messages. When I used to think of something I needed or wanted to do, I usually had to tell myself, “You can’t do that” or “You’ll have to ask Roger to help you.”  Now there is new potential. I can drive. I can go into the office. I can meet friends. It’s amazing freedom. I do have to ask, “Is is worth the energy to do it?” and “Is this what God wants me to do?” but it’s so much fun to consider the possibilities.

 

4 – I am SO grateful to all who have loved me and prayed for me through the last 8 months. I have one more appointment with the orthopedic (he called it a “high five” appointment to celebrate!) in September, but I know it was not he who heals. God holds our lives, our legs, in his hand. Many have been his arms around me during this journey.

 

Don’t stop now. 

 

 

The Changing Face of Cru

By | |
Leave a comment

CSU 2013I’m sitting at the Denver airport at 5 in the morning, reflecting on the last 5 days. It’s been amazing.

Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) has grown up. 2 years ago at our last staff conference, our name was changed.

This year we changed our face.

Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru) has a firm foundation laid in it’s past. It’s a foundation of risk-taking faith. I remember when one critic exclaimed, “They would charge hell with a squirt gun!”

We are recapturing that faith in a new generation.

Instead of reminding us of our past, this conference focused on the future. The world has changed in the last 60 years. Our methods have changed with it, in a commitment to reach each generation. Satan has different strongholds. We need different weapons for different contexts.

But what was evident was that in each generation, the Spirit is the same. We feel inadequate in ourselves and have to depend on the Holy Spirit. The Great Commission is the same, and we are closer to seeing it accomplished. The opposition is real, and we need the Spirit of God as He is the victor.

In a world where Christians are often known for what they stand against, we committed ourselves to be known for what we stand for — the good news of Jesus Christ delivered to the lost through an ultimate sacrifice of love.

The stage presented us with fresh new faces representing the future of Cru. They were multi-ethnic, wrestling with issues different than our generation. They honored the past, but looked to a future.

Roger and I are so humbled to be a part of this organization — an organization that dares to change in order to stay true to their mission.

Taking in Good News

By | |
3 Comments

noname
First, the good news — The CT scan showed no myloma in my neck! So with nothing else to check, I’m good to go until August! I’m so grateful to God!

But as I try to take in the good news, I’m flooded with thoughts and feelings. Why was the PET scan positive and the CT scan negative? Which is right? I still have blood tests that indicate the cancer is active. How can I be sure what is true?

There have been so many ups and downs. As I have been transparent in this blog, I wonder if others are weary of my ups and downs?

Then I started to realize that it can be hard to receive good news. We get so use to living in our fears that we fear what we would do without them. Somehow there is safety/ boundaries in fear. We don’t know what to do when we are freed. In fact, it’s hard to believe that we are free.

When it come to news, I realize that I emotionally try to block out most of it, lest it be bad.  I don’t like it; I don’t want to hear it. Bad news has a way of jolting us back to reality whether we want to hear it or not. We can’t escape it. It affects our life.

So then our fear of bad news gets associated with any news, it makes all of it hard to embrace. Good news no longer feels “good” but more “neutral” (the absence of bad). I have a tendency to try to ignore it, and unlike bad news, I often can. I can choose to continue to live in fear, afraid to be excited about good news.

It’s kinda like a girl not wanting to smile back at a boy lest it not be real…

As I think about this good news, right now, I’m choosing to embrace it. If it was that boy, I’m running over to him with abandonment and throwing my arms around him. Yes, bad news may come later and maybe this is a false moment of hope. But it is a moment of hope.

God has allowed this moment of hope in my life in the same way he has allowed the suffering.

To live fully, I choose to embrace both.

PET Scan Update

By | |
Leave a comment

noname copyWe found out last week that the PET scan showed “activity” in my spine of my neck. Since insurance could not approve it before we left for our family vacation, I’ll have a CT scan as soon as I get back. In the meantime, we’re having lots of fun, enjoying what God has given!

After the tests, Roger will leave for Staff Conference July 11-22. We had hoped I could join him for it, so pray that God will give us wisdom.

A Longer Leash – Good News!

By | |
3 Comments

2011-5-22 Great WallI just got back from the cancer doctor with some good news! The bone marrow biopsy came back negative, not showing any cancer. The doctor made sure I didn’t get too excited – it doesn’t mean I don’t have cancer, it just means that it did not show up in that test. However, I can’t help but get a little excited.

Basically, he said I am “complicated” (no surprise to all of you in my process group!). I still several indicators for cancer including elevated/spiked M Protein in the blood, a genetic chromosome #17 which is a “high risk feature” for MM, have had multiple bone lesions, a recent IGG spike and my Lambda Free Light Chain is abnormally high and increasing.

He rattled off 2 possibilities with big names which we could not capture but basically meant:

  • It is in the bone marrow, just not where it was tested.
  • Or that it is cancer that is a complication of Multiple Myeloma

He game me my choice to

  • Continue to monitor until it becomes more definite (do nothing)
  • Repeat a PET scan taken a year ago to see if there are any active bone lesions the Xrays are not picking up (like the first one I had 7 years ago)

I choose to take the PET scan. He wants me to do it next week. He is also going to do more tests on the bone marrow biopsy sample already taken. If all is normal, I won’t go in for 2 moths! (YEA!) If not, he will call me back and we will start chemo after family vacation/early July (which is still good news to my ears!).

So, you can imagine that I am smiling. Thank you for your prayers. The doctor wants to make sure I know what is coming, and I assured him I am realistic. However, I told him that I felt as if my leash had gotten longer, at least for a little while. And I will, like most dogs, walk as far as I can to take full advantage of it!

I’m sure you are smiling too — Maggie

Bump in the Road

By | |
5 Comments

climbI hit a little bump today. I felt like while I had the 3 weeks reprieve in my hand looking at all the “candy” (things I could do) someone said, “Is that real money?”

A little after 8am this morning, sweet nurse Mary called to tell me the Bone Marrow Biopsy came back “inconclusive” (in other words, something happened to the sample so that they could not get valid results) and I would need to do the test over again. Let me remind you, this is the one that hurts, where they bore into your hip and pull bone marrow out with a needle…

I took a deep breath and said a tentative, “O…K…?” She told me they would put me asleep this time (thank you!) but that my appointment with my doctor might need to be rescheduled if results are not back in time (so what do we do with the plane tickets we just bought?!?).

Soon afterwards I got the call to schedule the procedure and (Praise God!) they can do it tomorrow (a new Friday tradition – that’s when I had it done last week!). But hopefully this means we can move ahead with the plans we have made and results will be in by 6/12. At least pray for us for that end.

Life is full of bumps, isn’t it? Just when we think we have some amount of control, God reminds us it’s an illusion. But his control is never an illusion and he’ll help us walk around, through or over whatever he allows in front of us. I’m so glad I have friends I can share this with!

What bumps are in your life? Let me know so that I can be praying…