Category Archives: Maggie’s Blog

Just wanted to let you know about my last doctor’s visit. He took me off the chemo again, before I finished the round, because of low white blood cell counts. It also gave me diarrhea for more than a week (that may be more than you want to know?!?).

The good news was my cancer is remaining stable, even on a low dose of chemo. I go again today for labs, but it sounds as if he’s going to cut my dose in half again, hoping I won’t have the side effects but that it will be enough to keep the cancer stable. In the meantime, I’m keeping my exposure low and getting things done at home (even writing a little bit!).

We have a trip planned on Thursday, so pray that I am healthy enough to go!

People have asked me how I got started writing poetry. I can’t remember the very beginning, but I know the Psalms have been a great model for me. When I get stuck (like I have been lately), I go to the Psalms for modeling and inspiration.

Last week I read Psalm 29. I couldn’t help but notice the repetition: “Ascribe” 3 times in the first 2 verses, “The voice of the LORD” 7 times verses 3-9, the “LORD sits…gives…bless” at the end. So I re-wrote the Psalm in my own personal version, thinking through what I would “ascribe” to the LORD, etc. It’s not my best poem, nor do I consider it in finished form, but I thought it might encourage others to think it what their personal version would be. And, who knows, maybe you are a poet!?!

Psalm 29 – A Psalm of Maggie

Ascribe to the LORD, Maggie Bruehl, 

Ascribe to the LORD his majesty and mercy.

Ascribe to the LORD the majesty as creator of all;

Worship the LORD in the mercy of forgiveness.

The voice of the LORD created the earth

Formless to form

Sun, moon, stars, waters, and land.

The voice of the LORD created life

A spark connecting sun, waters and land

To make earth lush, green, beautiful

The voice of the LORD fed fish and animals

Creating diversity and beauty

Man stumbles to try to duplicate.

The breath of the LORD created the Spirit of man

In an earthly image of himself

For eternal fellowship.

The voice of the LORD called out in the Garden

To woo back that which was broken

To clothe naked vulnerability.

The voice of the LORD found one righteous man

With the faith to build an ark

And hope in the midst of darkness.

The voice of the LORD called out to Abraham

Promising the impossible, giving life to a nation

Offering eternal life to all peoples.

The voice of the LORD continues to rule the earth

Through thunder and fire

The sweep of waters.

The voice of the LORD allows man the choice of evil

To give his heart to lust and violence

To destroy what God created and loved.

The voice of the LORD continues to call mankind

Offering intimacy and life

Hope and strength.

The voice of the LORD responds to cries of

Repentance begging for

Mercy, hope and strength.

The voice of the Lord embraces, forgives, restores and renews

Promising eternal life in oneness with him

The perfection He created without sin.

The LORD sits enthroned as Father, Son and Spirit.

The LORD sits enthroned, scarred hands held out

May the LORD give strength to me, now one of his people

May the LROD bless me and all his people with mercy.

We saw the doctor last Friday. I’ve continued to have issues with the chemo crashing my WBC count at the end of the 3 week sessions. Because of that and some other side effects, he is lowering my dose to try to keep it and the platelet counts from going so low. It is holding my cancer number steady, so I hope reducing it doesn’t change that. I go back in 4 weeks.

I keep getting the question of when will I be through with the chemo. The answer is that I won’t. I have to remember that my kind of cancer is not something chemo kills/cures. It can knock it back, but does not irradiate it like other cancers. Eventuality, this form of chemo will quit working and we’ll try another one or a transplant. The good news is that they are discovering new drugs for multiple myeloma, increasing my chances of dying from old age. 🙂 In the meantime, I’m enjoying life, volunteering back to Cru and loving’ on my family.

In the past, “stable” has been a boring word to me. I’m such an action person. In fact, according to the Strength Finder’s assessment, two of my top strengths are “Activator” and “Achiever.” Can you see why “stable” feels like no progress at all? Stable is almost a bad as “maintenance.”

But when it comes to my kind of cancer, “stable” is a close runner-up to “remission.” “Cure” is a word I know I will never hear unless there is an incredible medical breakthrough. And I know there are plenty of negative words I have and could hear. So when the doctor said “stable” last week, it was a good thing.

I’m on my 9th round of chemo since last fall. Initially we knocked the cancer back, killing it faster than it was growing. But that’s tough on the body. Now I’m’m at a lower dose of chemo which basically holds it even — we’re killing it at the same rate it is growing. It still compromises my immune system so I have to be careful, but I can still get around.

So “stable” is a good thing. It means I can go on vacation with my family. It means I can make plans with the awareness that they might have to be changed. It means that I get to have lunch with friends and volunteer for projects within the ministry. It means what I dread is coming, but is still a ways away.

I know others who are not in exciting periods in their lives. Their marriage isn’t exciting right now, but stable. Their job isn’t highly motivational, but stable. When do we accept stablity as a good thing and hope (and trust) for things to get better over time? When is faithfulness in less than exciting circumstances what God wants? I’m glad my doctor has a good handle on when to just wait and enjoy life and when to take aggressive action, even it means pain. I pray the same in the lives of others that they will know.

So I’m excited about being “stable.” Right now, i’m rocking on the porch of a cabin in the mountains, listening to gentle drops of rain on tree leaves nearby. That’s something I wouldn’t be doing if I wasn’t stable. Roger and I had devotions together this morning. That’s something I wouldn’t be doing if I wasn’t stable. Kids and grandkids are coming to see us the next few days for fun and frolic, something I wouldn’t be doing if I wasn’t stable. I’m excited to be alive and have opportunity to share “life” with others.

Stable is exciting!

Cancer has done a number on my weight. Between the broken leg, chemo and steroids, sitting on the couch and a few higher carb indulgences, I’ve seen a steady increase in my weight. I’ve gotten the weight gain under control, but haven’t been successful with weight loss.

That’s why I read articles with the hope they will encourage me. Jonna Weppler wrote in Woman’s Day, “How I Finally Learned to Stop Dieting.” These are the major points she learned at the Biggest Loser Resort Niagara.

1 – Wake Up, Drink Up – a trainer suggested she drink a big glassful of water before doing anything else in the morning. Actually, I do this one! I saw a TV beauty spot that drinking water hydrates your skin, especially important in the morning. So, before I am really awake and know what I am doing, I drink 24 oz of water! Check off one for me!

2 – Get Serious about Exercise – don’t procrastinate until “everything at home is squared away.” How did they know about me? I’m actually writing this with my gym clothes on, with good intentions to go earlier but getting some things “squared away.” Guilty as charged!

3 – Crunch the numbers – healthy eating is 30/30/40 split (protein, fat and carbs). Again, guilty. When I have done well, it’s because of an app called “My Fitness Pal.” It has made recording much easier and has fast food nutritional counts.

4 – Hit the Hay Sooner – “The later I putter, the likelier I am to end up in the pantry.” This was true before I struggled with fatigue, but now it takes energy to get off the couch to get to the pantry! The principle is to get good, deep rest which is also recommended fighting cancer. I’ve had to process the difference between laziness and rest and give myself permission to take a nap, go to bed earlier or take a natural sleep aid.

5 – Train for less $$$ – find training buddies and split the cost of a trainer. Roger and James have been doing this lately and it has really been effective! As for me and cancer, I’m just glad I get there and know I could do some serious damage if I over do it. Just moving is victory!

6 – Short-Circuit a Sugar Rush – a little sugar reminds a sweet tooth how much you like it (just like a little sin leads to a bigger one?) They suggested a protein/carb combo (turkey on wholewheat). Really??? In my head I know it’ll work, but emotionally…?

7 – Look Past the Scale – encourage yourself when your clothes get looser or can do more reps. I’m pretty good at this, although it’s hard when the scale says the opposite of what I feel! Which is true?

8 – Wear a Tracker – Roger, Becky and Amanda all have trackers and love them. I’m afraid of what it would say and have chosen to turn my head. It’s a tricky thing trying to balance rest and exercise; faithfulness and guilt.

9 – Resist “Magic Monday” Syndrome – Any day is a good day to get back on track. I’d take it one step further, any moment is a good time to get back on track, starting now!

So – I’m off to the gym. I do light cardio as well as strength (muscles support bones so that they as not as stressed) and stretches (I’ve never really recovered from some of the surgeries).  Pray I’m faithful!

Do you struggle with your weight or something else? What works for you? I’d love to hear your comments!

I haven’t posted since the end of February – what happened to March and April? I’m just about ready to begin round 8 of chemo…and this is beginning to look as if this is my life…for now.

Rounds 4 and 5 were hard as my immune system crashed both times. I never had to be hospitalized, for which I am grateful. Since earlier rounds had done their job in knocking the cancer back, the doctor reduced the dosage to 10 mmg (from 25) to see if we could just hold it low without crashing my blood counts. And so far it has worked.

An added benefit is that I feel better without as much chemo in my system. The shakes are not as severe, my energy is better and I’m driving again! We were able to travel to Illinois and spend time with Roger’s family and supporting churches. We helped Jessica move houses (still in Ft. Lauderdale area). I did a “Relay for Life” with family (picture) and am volunteering again at Cru. Life seems to be getting back to a “new normal.”

I know it’s just a season but it feels good. If things remain the same, there won’t be as many urgent posts. In fact, I’ve thought about starting a new blog of a more spiritual nature and leave this one to focus mainly on health. Let me know what you think…

What’s your “new normal?” (please feel free to leave comments)

I’m back in the chemo regime after recovering from the fever. Being off of it for two weeks, I’m a little more aware of side-effects which includes shakiness. At the same time, I’m grateful that I can continue with daily activities. In fact, I was able to go on a short cruise last weekend with two of my daughters, an opportunity to make memories together. It was delightful.

One of my weekly activities is a group that meets on Fridays based on the book, To Be Told, by Dan Allender. It’s an encouragement to write our “stories” and to read them to the group each week. It’s as if God is writing a story through us and we listen to what he is saying.

This week we wrote on “Shalom Shattered.” There are times of relative peace in our lives when something abruptly shatters that peace. There were several things I thought about writing on, but the obvious one seemed to be cancer. But as I was writing, I realized cancer didn’t “shatter” my life in the way we usually think. Instead, “I remembered a day in our house in the mountains in Crestline, CA, when a tempered glass door shattered. There was the “boom” of glass exploding, but all the glass stayed in the frame, with spider webs of brokenness running through it. It was frightening, and yet, beautiful as the light filtered through the brokenness. I feel as if I have lived life through the brokenness of the fear of cancer, and then cancer, in a similar way. Instead of focusing on the tragedy that will in some way, in all of us, enter our lives, I’ve taken a step back to look at it in it’s beauty.”

We all have had things that have shattered our peace, or our hope of peace. Sometimes it is a mess of glass on the floor that cuts us and leaves us bleeding, and for those for which it is true, my heart goes out to you. But sometimes, I think I have made things worse, taking glass and cutting myself rather than stepping back into peace. Whatever has shattered your peace, I challenge you to embrace it as you choose your response.

If you are interested in reading my story of “Shalom Shattered”, let me know in the comments and I’ll be glad to email it to you. What has shattered your “Shalom?”

I’ve always assumed when I don’t hear from someone that “no news is good news” meaning that they are healthy and busy and haven’t had time to write. At least, I wanted that to be the grace given to me when I didn’t write.

But it’s been weeks since I posted. Most of the time was the “good news” of being happy and busy, but last week..

No news was bad news.

I had a fever that just would not leave. Just a fever,. No other symptoms. We took tests, cultures and X-rays. Finally they started me on a general antibiotic that seems to kicking it out.

But I learned several things:

1.  I need a back up plan to post when I am sick. I’m sure I could have used some extra thoughts and prayers last week, but was just to “out of it.”  I’m not sure what the plan would be, but I need to figure it out.
2. Remembering numbers when I’m sick doesn’t work, especially when Roger says, “What was your fever last time?” I don’t have a clue! But we started this system of me texting him every time I took my temperature. That gave me a record as well as let him know how high it was and if he should come home from work.
3. I’m not always nice when I’m sick. I guess I get on survival mode. My head hurts and I just want to be left alone (but not too much alone!). I’m not easy to figure out and I appreciate the grace Roger and others give me. But I also learned that being sick is not an excuse to not be nice, and I need to communicate with others what I am feeling and want before I got irritated.

So…if you don’t hear from me, don’t assume everything is well. Prod us a little to communicate, good or bad. And pray I figure out the communication piece.

Oh, and the chemo. It’s on hold until the fever is gone, probably at the end of the week. Good news is that M-proteins were down again to .3!