First, the good news — The CT scan showed no myloma in my neck! So with nothing else to check, I’m good to go until August! I’m so grateful to God!
But as I try to take in the good news, I’m flooded with thoughts and feelings. Why was the PET scan positive and the CT scan negative? Which is right? I still have blood tests that indicate the cancer is active. How can I be sure what is true?
There have been so many ups and downs. As I have been transparent in this blog, I wonder if others are weary of my ups and downs?
Then I started to realize that it can be hard to receive good news. We get so use to living in our fears that we fear what we would do without them. Somehow there is safety/ boundaries in fear. We don’t know what to do when we are freed. In fact, it’s hard to believe that we are free.
When it come to news, I realize that I emotionally try to block out most of it, lest it be bad. I don’t like it; I don’t want to hear it. Bad news has a way of jolting us back to reality whether we want to hear it or not. We can’t escape it. It affects our life.
So then our fear of bad news gets associated with any news, it makes all of it hard to embrace. Good news no longer feels “good” but more “neutral” (the absence of bad). I have a tendency to try to ignore it, and unlike bad news, I often can. I can choose to continue to live in fear, afraid to be excited about good news.
It’s kinda like a girl not wanting to smile back at a boy lest it not be real…
As I think about this good news, right now, I’m choosing to embrace it. If it was that boy, I’m running over to him with abandonment and throwing my arms around him. Yes, bad news may come later and maybe this is a false moment of hope. But it is a moment of hope.
God has allowed this moment of hope in my life in the same way he has allowed the suffering.
To live fully, I choose to embrace both.