Here We Go Again…

I’ve had the hardest time trying to think of what to name this post:

• What I’ve dreaded is happening…
• Hope is in the future…
• I don’t know what to think…
• God is in the details…

Yesterday was my oncology appointment. And, yes, as we talked about last time, chemo is starting Monday. It’s no surprise. Just a reality.

I have multiple myeloma, what is considered an “incurable” cancer. We knocked it back 7 years ago. 70% relaspe in 3 years. God has been so very gracious in my life. My M-protein jumped 6 months ago and has slowly, steadily increased since then. They delayed treatment because of the broken leg, but now it is time.

How do I feel about it?

I’m ready. I’m ready to fight. I’m ready to go. We took a road trip to visit Roger’s mother, our youngest daughter and experience ArtPriz with a grandson. We’ve intentionally made memories with friends, kids, grandkids. We’ve advice from a counselor. We have support groups. I’ve focused on eating well and working out. I’ve contributed to ministry. We’ve grown personally. We’ve walked with the Lord. We’ve done our prep work.

Will it be enough? What is the goal? Is it to live longer?

That would be nice and I would love to make more memories and serve the Lord longer. But, bottom line, I don’t know his will for the future. I only know it for today. And that is for me to abandon myself to his will. I’ve lived the last 7 years with the thought that God has given me grace for today and will be with me in tomorrow.

What he asks of me is to be faithful.

I know that’s simple. I know I don’t live it perfectly. I know others may not “get it.” I know it will be harder in the days to come when I don’t feel so good. Like any temptation, I’ve been here before, tempted to be anxious, to lean on my own strength, to think doing the “right thing” will conquer the disease. Bottom line, it’s all up to God’s will. I submit myself to it this morning and every morning.

I do know I am not alone. I have this community of readers who walk with me. You know me — I’ll be honest when I’m not doing so well. Even now, tears flow as I anticipate the future. Faith is not without fear. I appreciate your prayers however the Lord is leading you.

I wonder, are there simple statements of faith that embolden you in your walk with God? I’d love to hear them… (comment button just above the picture)

PS – For those who are interested, the drug is Revlimid which I take orally for 21 days and then 7 off for 2-4 months. That will be followed by an autologous stem cell transplant, another 2-3 months process similar to 7 years ago. Pray for all the approvals, especially in light of healthcare changes.